Sex, Rape and the F-Word

I am glad I was raped in 2003 as opposed to say…1963. After realizing I was assaulted a few clicks-of-the-mouse connected me to helping services on my college campus and in my hometown. Infrastructure was in place and funding was set up to help people in my very situation. To me, having these resources available was life changing and life saving.

Had I been a young woman merely 40 years earlier, my situation would have been very different. It wasn’t until the 1970s that rape crisis centers, hotlines or advocacy programs even existed. Before the 1970s a rape victim (yes, “victim” – the term “survivor” was yet-to-be coined) had few options. They were lucky if they had a friend or family member to turn to, but without any public discourse about rape and without any helping services in place, they most likely had to suffer in silence. So yeah, I’m happy to be a young survivor now as opposed to then. And I will forever be indebted to the founding mothers of the feminist anti-rape movement who got those services started.

But despite amazing feminist accomplishments the word “feminist” has a polarizing effect when uttered in mixed company. The dreaded “f” word brings up mental images of man-hating bra-burners who are driven by anger and rage. And while anger and rage are warranted when you’ve been raped or otherwise abused I’ve worked with a lot of feminists, and I would like to testify that more often than not their work is driven by love. They love themselves enough to acknowledge they deserve to be treated better than doormats, blow-ups dolls or punching bags. They love each other enough to support their brothers and sisters who've been raped or beaten or used. They love humanity enough to strive endlessly to ensure a safer world for future generations. Yet they, we, tend to get a bad name. I want to clear that up.

Regardless of your gender, if you believe that it’s worthwhile to provide helping services to rape survivors, you’re a feminist. If you believe that sexual violence is bogus and the world would be better without it, you’re a feminist. If you think women are whole people and not objects to be fucked, you are a feminist. If you’re bothering to read this blog, you’re probably a feminist. And I encourage you to claim the “f” word as part of your identity. I am honored to do so and to align myself with people who call injustice by name and dedicate their lives to fighting against it.

But just because I’m a feminist doesn’t mean I agree with all the feminists in the world. And just because I don’t agree doesn’t mean we’re enemies. We can appreciate and value one another while disagreeing. For example, an older feminist recently told me she has a staunch anti-pornography and anti-prostitution stance. I disagree with her stance because I strive to live where idealism meets strategy. In 2010 porn is down-right mainstream. It simply isn’t strategic for young feminists to work to end pornography or the sex trade. It may have been a reasonable stance in the 70s, but I don’t think it’s a relevant approach to getting work done today. But despite our differing ideologies I respect her and the work she’s done. Heck! Without her work, I wouldn't be able to do mine.

That being said, it is clear to me that the anti-rape movement is in the midst of a paradigm shift. And when the movement successfully shifts to sex-positive, I hope we can do it with the understanding and support of the feminists who came before us. Similarly, us young feminists need to understand that our work may not be relevant or even appreciated by future generations. But that is okay. Because in order for feminism to thrive we need to constantly adapt to the changing world, and we must love and support one another through those changes. (Luckily, this plays to our strengths).

I was raped in 2003 by a friend, a man with whom I’d had a previous sexual relationship. I didn’t even know that what happened to me was rape. I was never explicitly taught that I should expect to be respected in the bedroom. No one told me to expect pleasure. So it didn’t immediately occur to me as problematic that neither of these things were happening. Months later I confided in a friend that “he had sex with me” and my friend responded, “did he have ‘sex with you’? Or did he rape you?” Before that, it hadn’t even occurred to me that I had been raped. But it was healing and relieving to call it by name. Yes, he did rape me. That is why I’m crying so much of the time. That is why I lost my appetite, my joy. That is why I lost my ability to find happiness in my first true love: music. Because he raped me.

I hope that future generations can take for granted the difference between rape and sex. I hope that the status quo becomes expecting pleasure, respect and most of all, CONSENT, regardless of your gender. Because as it stands, I truly don’t think you have to be a terrible person to commit rape. All you have to do is follow the status quo.

Thankfully, things are much better than they used to be. But we’ve still got a long way to go...

Sluts and Bitches and Whores...Oh My! (Part 3)

Part 3: Putting it all together


The anti-rape movement has done an admirable job of teaching us that most rape does not involve a stranger jumping out of the bushes. Strangers account for only 11-18% of rapes. From statistics and experience we know that lots of rape occurs between people who have been sexually interested in one another. Lots of rape happens among committed couples. Lots of rape occurs on dates. Lots of rape occurs during would-be "hook-ups." And as long as women are considered sluts, bitches or whores for being (or just "looking like" they're) sexually active, we are silencing women who have been raped by potential or actual sexual partners. (There are plenty of factors that silence survivors of other genders, to be discussed in future posts). After all, if you were raped while doing something only a "slut" would do you may not speak up or seek support.


Using words like slut and whore in common vernacular is an insidious manifestation of victim-blaming, the subtext being: if you hadn't acted like such a ____(fill-in-the-blank: skank, hoochie, etc.)_____ this wouldn't have happened to you. It doesn't matter that you're not insulting a specific survivor. Flippantly using derogatory terms for presumed sexually active women encourages shame and guilt to be associated with women's sexuality. In turn, this practice helps rates of acquaintance rape to flourish by allowing these crimes to be shrouded in silence.


Until we create a culture in which women can make choices about their sexual behavior without fear of social persecution, acquaintance rape of women will continue to occur at disarmingly high rates. The good news is: its easy to join the people dedicated to destroying this Rape Culture. To start, all you have to do is:

- Use respectful language for all people

- Engage in enthusiastic consent whenever you engage in sexual activity

It's fun, I swear! Thanks to y'all who are already on board.
Thank you in advance to those about to join us.

(the) Power (of love)

"You still don't get it. It's not about right. It's not about wrong. It's about power."**

And the thing about power is: those who have it do what they can to keep it.

Is it a stretch to say that every social movement in history was rooted in power struggle? I'm not enough of a history-buff to confidently answer that question. But I think it's a reasonable hypothesis. And, if it has all come down to power, I think we need to reassess our goals.

The Anti-Rape Movement taught us that sexual violence is about power and control. It's not about right and wrong. It's about people with power demonstrating how they intend to keep it. So if the Pro-Consent Movement is about gaining power, what will prevent us from replicating the choices of our oppressors as our movement succeeds? After all, memories are short and the movement is long.

Therefore, we need to be purposeful in stating that the goal of the Pro-Consent Movement is not to gain power. Rather, it is about spreading love. It's about learning how to love to the best of your ability, and helping those around you to do the same. It is about treating yourself and others with care and respect. We can only truly change the world if we stop playing by the rules of our oppressors. Rather than fighting to take what they have, let's teach them to value what WE have. It's as simple as being kind to yourself and kind to your neighbor. Easy-peezy-lemon-squeezy...

well, kinda...


To close, I leave your with a little Huey Lewis. Soooooooo gooooood!
Have a pleasure-filled day!

** Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Season 7, Episode 1.

Moving from "Anti-Rape" to "Pro-Consent"

Lot's of people who, according to legal or social definitions, have been raped don't call themselves rape survivors. In my years as an anti-rape activist I've heard more stories of this nature than I can count. And this used to frustrate me. The way I a saw it, every person who refused to call rape "rape," held back those who called it by name (and arguably, when you're within the "anti-rape" movement, that is the case).


But I see things differently now. I think individuals can and should define their own experiences. If you don't feel comfortable calling what happened to you "rape," by all means, don't! I can name about a million reasons not to, after all: it's painful, you're likely to not be believed, friends/family/legal & medical staff may blame you, if you were engaged in any sexual activity prior to the assault (especially if you identify as a woman) you may be disregarded as a "slut," "whore," or as "asking for it" -- just to name a few. Not to mention that plenty of people experience what's legally defined as rape without feeling traumatized by it.


I'm not trying to dissuade folks from coming out as survivors. If you want to come out, kudos to you! That is some brave shit!! But I'd like to call attention to the problematic nature of hinging a movement on individuals' ability to call an experience "rape" in a culture that tells survivors that it was merely "bad sex" and that if is was indeed rape, it was probably the victim's fault (their sexual history, dress and/or level of intoxication will likely be looked to as explanations).


We need a paradigm shift.


Let's start by finding some common ground:
Can we all agree that you should only engage in sexual activity with someone who wants to engage in that activity with you?


Yes?


Okay, good. (Phew).





If you're in agreement then you are in favor of consent. And if you're in favor of consent calling yourself part of the "pro-consent" movement shouldn't be too much of a stretch. Using the language "pro-consent" doesn't necessitate survivors to come forward. All it asks is for you to have consensual sexual experiences. Period. And who doesn't want to do that?! One of my favorite Sexual Violence Prevention researchers Paul Schewe has wisely pointed out, if you engage in consensual sexual practices you'll likely have "more sex," and "better sex." Amen, brother!



Call your experiences whatever you like, but please know that not saying "no" is not the same as saying "yes." When it comes to our bodies and sexuality we have the right to be heard and respected. American culture does not support open communication about sex and sexuality so it's likely you haven't practiced enthusiastic consent in the past. But it's easy to start: if you're not sure if you have consent, just ask! (Thank you Jaclyn Friedman). By engaging in enthusiastic consent that is active, ongoing and mutual you are doing your part to end sexual violence and probably having a great time while you're at it! Everybody wins -- what's not to love!?

Men are the solution.

Thinking about rape sucks.

I mean, really.
It is no fun.
At all.

That in mind, I have crazy appreciation and respect for non-victims who've chosen to join the anti-rape movement. Shoot! I have crazy appreciation & respect for anyone who chooses to align themselves with the movement.



I am a survivor of sexual assault. I have to think about rape. Whether I like it or not, it is a part of every step I take, every sentence I write and every word I utter. Being a survivor of sexual assault is part of who I am. And frankly, if I didn't HAVE to think about rape I'm pretty damn sure I wouldn't. Because (as we know) it is no fun. At all.

And I like fun. To quote a wise friend from high school, "fun is awesome." And a world without rape sounds pretty fun to me. Idealistic? Sure. But certainly fun.

A world without rape. Think about it...picture it...got it?....okay,.....now......smile, aaaaaaand [repeat].

Granted I am not sure how to create a world without rape. But I am fairly certain that the 1 in 6 - 8 women and 1 in 10-33 men who are survivors cannot do it alone.

Perhaps you've heard these statistics before. If so, you've probably heard them used as an educational tool or even a scare-tactic. But have you ever heard them as an invitation? If not, I invite you to.

So far, the business of fighting sexual assault has been pretty much left-up to survivors and their close family and friends. Please understand that it is draining to have your deepest wounds continually re-opened during your regular-work-week. (The plus-side of this is that you're generally forced to make great strides toward healing in a relatively short time. In my mind, the benefit outweighs the cost). As such, I think the movement could flourish (rather than merely survive) if we were joined, en masse, by people who weren't so darn 'drained' by it.

So please, join us!

Right now, I am not asking much. It's as easy a 1...2...3...

1. Please become a follower of this blog (see the grey follow button at right? yeah...that's the one...)
2. Check for updates now and again.
3. If you feel inspired to do so, leave a comment -- ask a question! Start a debate! Do a little bit of very-un-fun thinking about rape.

That is all I ask of you. And I believe the benefit could be great. I believe that if we're willing to make small, incremental changes we can collectively make a big difference.



Anthropologist & feminist Margaret Meade famously said, "never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

Ms. Meade was right on. But we have a powerful tool that world-changers in the past lacked: the World Wide Web. So with respect for these "small groups" (to whom we owe so much), I say, let's shoot bigger.

Surviving isn't good enough anymore. We all deserve to thrive.

PS -- I should probably call attention to the (true but) misleading title of this entry. I think it's catchier than "everyone is the solution" (We are the World pretty much covered that territory -- jus'sayin).

"Movement" Means ACTION!

Shifting from "No means No" to "Yes means Yes!"
The slogan "no means no" has penetrated the mainstream where it has been embraced by many but become "white noise" to many others. And for those who have embraced it, it problematically implies that absence of "no" is akin to consent. This is not the case.

To be clear: not saying "no" is not the same as saying "yes."
Further, if "no" is not an option, "yes" is meaningless.
Healthy sexual expression can occur only when "yes" and "no" are equally valued. In order to support healthy sexual expression, the Anti-Rape Movement must shift to a sex-positive framework.

A sex-positive framework can take various forms. However, in the context of the Anti-Rape Movement, the following should be applied:[1]

- Consensual sex is the opposite of rape. As rape is a negative force both personally and in society, sex can be a positive force both in personal development and in society at large.
- Communication, consent and pleasure are necessary components of sexual health.
- Sexual health includes engaging in sexual acts that are safe, sane and consensual.
- Consensual sexual expression is a basic human right, regardless of the form that expression takes.
- Sexual assault, pregnancy & STI transmission prevention are necessary components of healthy sexuality education.
- People have the right to accurate and straightforward sexual health information.
- It is inappropriate to judge others’ consensual choices regarding how they have sex, who to have sex with or how they define their sexual orientation and identity.


Rome wasn’t built in a day, and the sex-positive incarnation of the Anti-Rape Movement won’t be either.
But luckily, the foundation has already been laid. Jaclyn Friedman & Jessica Valenti’s 2008 anthology: Yes Means Yes! Visions of Female Sexual Power & A World Without Rape reflects the emergent dialogue about sex-positivity in the Anti-Rape Movement. In its 300+ pages Yes Means Yes! addresses many of the issues that will be addressed in this blog and does so with respect to the racial, economic and social diversity that was too-often absent from the 1970s Feminist Movement in America.

So what's holding us back?

Shifting to a sex-positive framework means addressing difficult questions that the movement has avoided answering in the past. For instance - since a person cannot legally consent to sexual activity while under the influence of alcohol: is all drunk sex actually rape? This author argues that it is not. But these are the types of questions that the movement has to struggle with in order to make this necessary shift to a sex-positive framework.

But struggle is not a bad thing. "Struggle" implies movement. And the Anti-Rape Movement needs just that: To Move. American culture looks vastly different that it did in the 1970s when the movement emerged. It's time to adapt. It's time grow. It's time to move and take action.

I propose we begin taking action with something every reader can do: start thinking about sex. Start thinking about how sex is represented in the music you listen to. Start thinking about how sex is represented in advertisements you see throughout the day. Think about conversations you've had or overheard about sex. What are the messages you've received?

Then think about this: rape is about power and manipulation. Sex is about pleasure at the expense of no one and to the benefit of you and your partner(s). Have you ever confused these things in your life? It's likely that you have. After all, we only know what we're taught. And we're taught to confuse rape with sex (see "Welcome" post). So this isn't about beating yourself up. This is about deciding how you want to proceed.

The first step is to imagine what you want. So lets get moving!



[1] Adapted by SHEER: Sexuality Health Education to End Rape, from Cory Silverberg, AASECT- Certified Sexuality Educator, http://sexuality.about.com/od/glossary/g/sex_positive.htm