See something? Say something.

I was sexually harassed tonight. My face is soaked in tears and I am feeling defeated.

I've been harassed before, plenty of times. But rather than getting "thicker skin" I feel as though the same scab is peeled off again and again, the wound growing ever deeper. I contemplate quitting my weekend job where much of the harassment takes place. But then I remember that this harassment doesn't happen because I'm a performer, because I dance in a short skirt or because my character appears to be drunk -- it happens because I am a woman. I've been sexually harassed walking down the street on a sunny day dressed to go to my grandmother's birthday party. It has nothing to do with what I wear or how I present myself. It has to do with the fact that the harasser thinks is a-okay to treat me with disrespect. Because I am a woman.

And why shouldn't he? Tonight there were literally hundreds of people witnessing the harassment, but did anyone speak up? Besides the lead singer of my band, no (at least, not to my knowledge). The fellow audience members were apparently good enough folks to not be yelling obscenities about my body, but not good enough people to shush-up or call security on the d-bags who were. So that leaves these d-bags with the message that it is okay -- it's okay to be a sexist, perverted asshole.

But it's not okay. Far from it. And I have faith that most people agree with me. Because I usually don't get harassed. I've played over 400 shows in the last five years, and despite the fact that I always wear a short dress, I always dance enticingly and my character always appears to drink Jack Daniels [coke + water = fake whiskey], only seldom does someone take those factors as an invitation for a verbal assault. So clearly it's not me -- it's them.

And if I'm correct that most people don't think sexual harassment is okay, I want to know: why do so many people condone it when it happens? Why don't more people speak up? Of course, there can be as many answers to this question as there are silent spectators, but my hunch is that most people don't speak up because they see it as normal. They see women being objectified on TV, billboards, music videos, movies and as a result, seeing it in real life may not seem shocking or even problematic.

But it is VERY problematic. Because I am a strong woman. And this shit puts me to tears. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like all my work to end sexual violence is for nothing. It makes me feel like I don't matter. It makes me feel unsafe in my workplace. It makes me feel like a victim. But I am a fucking survivor.

If you're reading this, you're probably my friend. And since you're my friend I don't mind asking you this favor: if you see something, say something. Please don't tacitly support sexual violence by bearing silent witness to verbal or physical assault. Speak up. Get security. Put the perp in their place. Intervene safely in a way that is comfortable to you. But for goodness sake, intervene. If you do already, thank you. Now consider taking it a step further and encouraging your friends to do the same. This shit won't stop unless we stop it.

Usually I end my posts with some words of encouragement. But they are escaping me tonight. Have you got any for me? I could use them.

I'd like to thank the members of Wedding Banned, past and present, for ALWAYS supporting me, being my advocates and never blaming me. I love you guys.

Sluts and Bitches and Whores...Oh My! (Part 1)

Part 1: Sluts

I curse like a proverbial sailor. I'm not particularly proud of this fact (nor am I ashamed of it) but I have no issue with profanity, per se. I DO have an issue with hateful language, however.

"What are words used to describe women and girls who are sexually active?" I ask my high school classes. Their responses usually include:
- Slut
- Skank
- Hoe
- Bust-down
- Chicken-head
And a variety of other insulting names. Insulting is the key word here. According to students' vernacular, being a sexually active women is a very bad thing. (And please note, these words aren't reserved only for women who are sexually active, but for women who dress "provactivly"-- irrespective of their sexual behavior).

This would not trouble me if it were a simple matter of language. But it isn't. If you look at sexual violence on a spectrum, it's pretty easy to see how the language we use is connected to sexual harrassment, abuse, assault and exploitation. Bear with me here:

--> If we (society) call women "sluts" because they dress or act a certain way, it's easy to start thinking of them as "sluts" or being less worthy of respect.
--> If we think of certain women as sluts it becomes easy to treat them with disrespect, make unwanted comments or advances and even believe that such behavior is warrented or wanted.
--> If treating some women with disrespect goes unchallenged we excuse and justify sexual harrassment and abuse -- under certain circumstances.
--> If we excuse harassment and abuse under any circumstances we are participating in victim-blaming and upholding the myths that justify sexual violence, including rape and sexual exploitation.

All people regardless of gender, sexual experience or dress are worthy of respect. A person's sexual proclivities or wardrobe have nothing to do with their humanity. This is crystal clear to me. But does it sound crazy to you? (Sometimes I think I'm too entrenched in the movement to see things from a "normal person's" perspective, and I honest-to-goodness want your feedback).

I used to greet my girlfriends with an affectionate, "what's up slut?!" We liked to drink, party, and "hook-up." I think calling each other by that name was a reclamation of sorts.

But I've turned around on this issue. Until sexual harassment, abuse, assault and exploitation are understood by and handled respectfully in popular culture, I argue that these kinds of gender-based insults do much more harm than good.

So here is my charge to you: think about the language you use. Don't beat yourself up about it, just think about it. Assess whether changing the way you speak can do any good. (If you're not sure please read my upcoming post -- parts 2 & 3 of this entry). If you currently use offensive or hateful language, please consider making some changes in your vocabulary. And if you want to take it a step further, talk to your friends about why you're doing it. A bunch of small changes can make a big difference.

To close, please check out this new commercial from Scotland. I'd love to see ads with this message in the US!

Peaches, young women, sex, drugs and drama

According to the lingerie company Miss Ultimo, the following images are marketed toward a "young female audience."



Web gossip today tells us about the most recent celebrity drug/sex scandal. Miss Ultimo apparently fired their cover girl, Peaches Geldof, this morning after rumors surfaced about a heroine-induced one night stand.

I enjoy a little celebrity gossip just like the next person, but what's notable to me about this situation has nothing to do with what was put in Geldof's body. What's notable to me is that a company publicly acknowledging that they market the images above to "a young female audience" is less newsworthy than a dime-a-dozen, celebrity-gets-partied-out story.

I'm not pro-censorship and I'm hardly a prude. But certainly I can't be the only person who thinks THESE IMAGES are NOT APPROPRIATE for a target audience of YOUNG FEMALES?!?!? Why isn't this a bigger deal?! (To quote Zoolander: "I feel like I'm on crazy pills!")

Let me be clear, I am not in favor of promoting drug use or unsafe sexual practices to young women. However, I think it should be noted that it is hypocracy for Miss Ultimo to both sell highly sexualized images of what-girls-should-look-like to young women AND fire their model for having a less-than-prudent sexual encounter. And the fact that Geldof was apparently high on heroine should not further condemn her as unvirtuous. Rather, it should help us call attention to the fact that a person cannot legally give consent while under the influence of drugs or alcohol. This is a teachable moment that we, as a culture, are ignoring.

The way I see it, young women are caught in the ultimate Catch-22. On one hand, they’re expected to work to be attractive and sexual. On the other, if they meet these expectations they’re susceptible to being called a “slut” or a “ho,” rejected by girlfriends or worse, in the event of sexual assault, abuse or harassment they may be held accountable by peers and media who suggest, “you were asking for/deserve it.” (Even though sexual violence is NEVER the victim's fault).

We see this played out in the Miss Ultimo drama. The lingerie company was comfortable projecting highly sexually suggestive and passive images of Peaches Geldof. But when Geldof put those projections to practice, she was fired. We either need to show young women healthy images of sexuality and support their decisions to engage in healthy, age appropriate sexual activity, or we need to be consistent in the message that they're too young to engage. Personally, I vote for the first of these approaches.

We tell athletes to run fast -- they win games when they do. We tell children to study hard, they may get "A"s when they do. We tell men to act tough and they "get the girl" when they do. But what happens to girls who do what they're told?

They get fired from Miss Ultimo.

Something is terribly wrong here.

Good Touch / Bad Touch (part 1)

Part 1 - Bad Touch

During classroom presentations, I tell first-graders the following[1]:

Good touches make you feel good or happy. Bad touches make you feel bad or uncomfortable. Sometimes a bad touch gives you the "uh-oh feeling." It's important to listen to that "uh-oh feeling." It is there to protect you and keep you safe.

Once they understand these concepts, I continue with the following:

It's always up to the person receiving the touch to decide if it's good or bad. That means, even if your auntie pinches your cheek because she loves you, if it feels bad or uncomfortable to you, it's a bad touch.

The terms good touch, bad touch and uh-oh feeling are -- admittedly -- juvenile. But I'm learning that the concepts behind them are anything but.

I don't know whether good touch / bad touch was taught while I was in elementary school. But I am certain it wasn't taught when my parents were children. And even today it is not standard curriculum. This is worrisome. Because if we're not taught to differentiate between good touches and bad touches when we're young - when are we taught this invaluable lesson? For many Americans, the answer is: never. And for those who do learn it, it's likely the bi-product if a painful trial-and-error process.

Have you ever had someone brush up against you or lightly grope you, but ignore the icky feeling by convincing yourself it was an accident? Have you ever had a partner touch you in a way you didn't like at that moment, but kept your mouth shut so's not to offend? Have you ever stayed longer than you felt comfortable in a sexual situation in which nothing is particularly wrong, but certainly something is not right? I'm guessing many readers -- particularly female and women-identified readers -- can answer "yes" to all these questions. I'd love your feedback to tell me if my hunch is correct.

Ignoring "bad touches" or the "uh-oh" feeling that often results is routine to many folks. When the stranger on the bus or in the bar brushes up against us, it's easier not to cause a scene. When your partner persuades you to move faster than you're comfortable with, it's easiest to say "they love me and wouldn't do anything to harm me." And while it's true, they probably do love you and probably don't want to harm you, they are capable of causing unintended, negative consequences.

Here's the big what: regardless of the toucher's intentions, it's always up to the person receiving the touch to decide if it's good or bad. Even if that person loves you and wants to show it through physical attention, you always have the right to move at your own pace. You always have the right to say "yes," and you always have the right to say "no." Furthermore, saying "no" when you feel uncomfortable is not a reflection of your feelings for your partner. It is a reflection of your ability to respect yourself and your feelings.

This must be said: no one ever has the right to touch you in a way you do not like. If this occurs, regardless of if you said "no," it is not your fault. Sexual harassment, abuse and assault are never the fault of the person receiving the attention or advances. No exceptions. It doesn't matter:

• where you were
• what you were wearing
• what you were doing
• who you were doing it with
• whether you'd done it before
• whether you were engaged in illegal activity
• whether you were drunk or high
• whether you voluntarily put yourself in a "dangerous" situation
• whether you lied about your age or marital status
• or ANYTHING ELSE.

Sexual assault, abuse and harassment are NEVER the victim's fault. Period.

So please do not confuse my message here. The point of this entry is decidedly not to put the onus on a victim to not be abused, assaulted or harassed. Rather, it is to point out the following:

Good touches make you feel good or happy. Bad touches make you feel bad or uncomfortable. Sometimes a bad touch gives you the "uh-oh feeling." It's important to listen to that "uh-oh feeling." It is there to protect you and keep you safe.

It's okay to assert yourself. It's okay to leave the room. It's okay to call security. It's okay to "make a scene." Because, in the end, your body is infinately more important that keeping the peace, not offending or being the source of gossip. The fact that many of us were taught that being inoffensive is more important than our bodies is frankly, completely bonkers. The good news is: it's not too late to learn it now.

We've almost all been told the following message: you don't matter. Whether directly by an abuser, indirectly by disrespectful treatment from a teacher or boss, or by images of our race/gender/people with our abilities/class/religion/citizenship status/sexual orientation or identity being shown as unimportant. We've almost all been trained not to speak up -- to keep the peace, not to cause problems.

But you and I are too important for that. You and I are precious. We matter. Our bodies matter. Our opinions matter. Our senses of humor matter. Our intelligence matters. Our desires for pleasure matter. Our feelings matter. Remember that next time you that "uh-oh" feeling. And respond to it, it's there to protect you and keep you safe.

[1] I have Carrie Wachter and Imagination Theatre's "No Secrets" Program to thank for the "Good Touch/Bad Touch" curriculum in italics.