Gender and Sexual Violence

Before I get into the "meat" of this post, I want start with a quick Biology/Sociology lesson: "Sex" is a biological term that refers to the bits you were born with (penis, vagina or intersexed). "Gender" is a sociological term that refers to identity. Check this out for a useful (and pretty awesome) visual definition.

Okay so...when folks talk about sexual violence its common to use the pronoun "she" for the victim/survivor and "he" for the perpetrator(s). This is not without understandable reason. After all, the majority of survivors are women and the vast majority of perpetrators (98-99%) are men. (It is important to note that while most perpetrators are men, most men are not perpetrators). But despite the statistics, I think our use of gendered pronouns (in general and in terms of sexual violence) warrants some examination.

Previous posts have discussed barriers to "coming out" as a rape survivor. The fear of not being believed or of being blamed are two barriers that can impact survivors of all genders. But for survivors who aren't women, common myths and misconceptions make it even harder to come forward.

For example, some folks believe that a man will be "turned gay" if he is raped by another man, despite the fact that there is zero scientific evidence which supports that theory. And plenty of folks believe that it's not even possible for men to be raped (even though 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused or assaulted before their 18th birthdays and that 1 in 10-33 men will be sexually assaulted within their lifetime).

For transgendered people the barriers to coming out as a survivor can be even greater. (Transgender is a new term to lots of folks. In short, it describes folks whose biological sex is not "in line" with their gender, as it is traditionally understood. If you're unfamiliar or would like more information please check out these sites). In addition to dealing with myths about rape, transfolk have to deal with prejudices against their very identity. Medical staff, legal officials nor the general population are given sufficient training about the specific needs of trangendered people. As a result, trans survivors may be met with misunderstanding, or worse, blatant bigotry when they seek support.

Since it's arguably harder for people who aren't both biological females and sociological women to come out as survivors, I think our movement needs to go out of it's way to give men and trans survivors more of a voice.

We, as a movement, have tended toward using language that indicates 1) only women get raped and 2) only two genders exist. In doing so, we are effectively erasing the experiences of many survivors. So let's cut it out already!

I propose we change the way we talk about rape. First of all, don't assume all survivors are female (or that all perpetrators are male). And when you talk about gender (in terms of sexual assault, or in general), change your language slightly to say things like "all genders" instead of "both genders." Of course, this is just a start. There is much more work to be done before trans and male survivors will have ready access to the support they deserve. But I've learned to appreciate "baby steps." So let's have at it!

Thanks to the very fabulous Cat for your help with this post (you really are VERY fabulous)!

Lady Love!

I've been lucky to be surrounded by supportive women throughout my life. Whether personally or professionally, the women in my life have been a major source of security and strength. So it always comes as a bit of a shock to me when I hear women say things like "I don't trust women," or generalizations like "women are catty." But maybe I shouldn't be surprised. After all, that is what we're taught to believe...

Through multiple sources, the media included, women are taught to mistrust and be "catty" toward one another. We are taught to keep secrets from one another -- to be nice to each others' faces then talk trash behind our backs. We're taught that we can build ourselves up by cutting each other down. And many of us believe what we're taught, at least some of the time. As hard as I try not to, I sometimes catch myself entertaining petty and useless notions about other women.

So I have to ask myself: who benefits when we cut each other down? I've got some theories (the billion + dollar cosmetics industry, for one) but rest assured we -- women as a group -- do not benefit from these catty antics.

So let's cut it out already! Let's choose to be happy for our sisters who are reaching their goals. Let's speak up when we hear women call each other nasty names. Let's defend our gender when we hear sweeping and negative generalizations about us.

I'd wager that our own insecurities are at the heart of catty behavior. So I can't help but wonder: if women spent as much time building each other up as we currently do cutting each other down: how many of our insecurities would be shifted to securities? I'd like to find out.

Let's not beat ourselves up for doing what we've been taught to do. Let's just stop doing it! Let's treat each other with love and claim sisterhood as the legacy of our generation.

Sluts and Bitches and Whores...Oh My! (Part 3)

Part 3: Putting it all together


The anti-rape movement has done an admirable job of teaching us that most rape does not involve a stranger jumping out of the bushes. Strangers account for only 11-18% of rapes. From statistics and experience we know that lots of rape occurs between people who have been sexually interested in one another. Lots of rape happens among committed couples. Lots of rape occurs on dates. Lots of rape occurs during would-be "hook-ups." And as long as women are considered sluts, bitches or whores for being (or just "looking like" they're) sexually active, we are silencing women who have been raped by potential or actual sexual partners. (There are plenty of factors that silence survivors of other genders, to be discussed in future posts). After all, if you were raped while doing something only a "slut" would do you may not speak up or seek support.


Using words like slut and whore in common vernacular is an insidious manifestation of victim-blaming, the subtext being: if you hadn't acted like such a ____(fill-in-the-blank: skank, hoochie, etc.)_____ this wouldn't have happened to you. It doesn't matter that you're not insulting a specific survivor. Flippantly using derogatory terms for presumed sexually active women encourages shame and guilt to be associated with women's sexuality. In turn, this practice helps rates of acquaintance rape to flourish by allowing these crimes to be shrouded in silence.


Until we create a culture in which women can make choices about their sexual behavior without fear of social persecution, acquaintance rape of women will continue to occur at disarmingly high rates. The good news is: its easy to join the people dedicated to destroying this Rape Culture. To start, all you have to do is:

- Use respectful language for all people

- Engage in enthusiastic consent whenever you engage in sexual activity

It's fun, I swear! Thanks to y'all who are already on board.
Thank you in advance to those about to join us.

Sluts and Bitches and Whores...Oh My! (Part 2)

Part 2: Bitches and Whores

Other words for sexually active or provocatively dressed women?
"Bitches" and "whores."
Mm. Just lovely.

In addition to being inflammatory for the reasons addressed in the previous post, I would like to look at the use of these terms in relation to sexual exploitation and the sex trade.

I grew up thinking prostitution was propagated by morally reprehensible women who chose to sell their bodies for sex. The reality is not nearly so simple. There are sex workers who do choose their career. There are sex workers who feel empowered by their work and who do it happily and safely. But it is my understanding that for most sex workers the word "choice" has little to do with their situation.

***Disclaimer: I am a beginning learner when it comes to sexual exploitation and the sex trade. The following information I learned through workshops with Young Women's Empowerment Project, Chicago Alliance Against Sexual Exploitation and My Life My Choice in May of this year as well as conversations with a co-worker who has collaborated with sex workers in Amsterdam, Las Vegas and Chicago. I welcome feedback and corrections. Thank you!***

Did you know...?

The average age of entry into prostitution is 12 years old. This means that even if you're looking at an adult sex worker, it is likely this person entered the life as a child.

Many or most sex workers have histories of sexual abuse. Stats are slippery, but we know pimps prey on trauma. After all, sexual abuse teaches young people the same lessons that a pimp wants you to to learn: to keep secrets, trust noone, to be used to isolation, that you have little worth and that others are entitled to you.

Within an average of 48-hours a run-away girl will be solicited for sex. And what other choice will she have than to acquiesce? How else can she support herself?

Sex workers are exploited by police. One common theme found among sex workers of various backgrounds -- multiple genders, races, street-based workers, "high class call girls," etc., is a variation of the following story: a police officer picks them up, he tells them he'll let them off if he's given a "freebie" in the back of the squad car. The worker cooperates. The police officer arrests the sex worker anyway.

Sex workers are raped an average of 47 times a year. To put this in perspective: there are 52 weeks in a year -- that's nearly once a week. Many people spend a lifetime recovering from the trauma of just one assault.

The average life-expectancy of a sex worker is 7 years after they enter the life. This means that if you enter at the age of 12, your life expectancy drops to 19. Wow.

Shows and movies like Pretty Woman or Confessions of a Call Girl glamorize prostitution. They allow us to believe fairytale-like stories rather than view the harsh realities that surround the sex trade. And if you're reading this blog, you're hopefully too old to believe in fairytales.

So please think about the word "whore," what it represents and the way it gets used. Casually using the word "whore" minimizes and erases the violent realities faced by most sex workers. In addition, it preys on the assumption that being a sex-worker is morally reprehensible -- ignoring that most children (not women) have little or no choice as to whether to enter the sex trade.

So please take your blinders off. And don't feel guilty about having had them on. Rather, shift guilt to gratitude. Feel grateful if you never had to choose between living in an abusive household and running away. Feel grateful if you've never had to consider selling your body in order to eat. Feel grateful if you can depend on police when you're in trouble. Feel grateful if your life expectancy is longer than your teenage years. You undoubtedly have a lot to be thankful for.

...and if you'd like to turn your guilt to gratitude to support, please check out the Young Women's Empowerment Project. YWEP offers safe, respectful, free-of-judgment spaces for girls and young women impacted by the sex trade and street economies. I cannot overstate how inspiring and brilliant the young people at YWEP are. And while they're completely capable of running the organization on their own they are always in need of financial support.

Sluts and Bitches and Whores...Oh My! (Part 1)

Part 1: Sluts

I curse like a proverbial sailor. I'm not particularly proud of this fact (nor am I ashamed of it) but I have no issue with profanity, per se. I DO have an issue with hateful language, however.

"What are words used to describe women and girls who are sexually active?" I ask my high school classes. Their responses usually include:
- Slut
- Skank
- Hoe
- Bust-down
- Chicken-head
And a variety of other insulting names. Insulting is the key word here. According to students' vernacular, being a sexually active women is a very bad thing. (And please note, these words aren't reserved only for women who are sexually active, but for women who dress "provactivly"-- irrespective of their sexual behavior).

This would not trouble me if it were a simple matter of language. But it isn't. If you look at sexual violence on a spectrum, it's pretty easy to see how the language we use is connected to sexual harrassment, abuse, assault and exploitation. Bear with me here:

--> If we (society) call women "sluts" because they dress or act a certain way, it's easy to start thinking of them as "sluts" or being less worthy of respect.
--> If we think of certain women as sluts it becomes easy to treat them with disrespect, make unwanted comments or advances and even believe that such behavior is warrented or wanted.
--> If treating some women with disrespect goes unchallenged we excuse and justify sexual harrassment and abuse -- under certain circumstances.
--> If we excuse harassment and abuse under any circumstances we are participating in victim-blaming and upholding the myths that justify sexual violence, including rape and sexual exploitation.

All people regardless of gender, sexual experience or dress are worthy of respect. A person's sexual proclivities or wardrobe have nothing to do with their humanity. This is crystal clear to me. But does it sound crazy to you? (Sometimes I think I'm too entrenched in the movement to see things from a "normal person's" perspective, and I honest-to-goodness want your feedback).

I used to greet my girlfriends with an affectionate, "what's up slut?!" We liked to drink, party, and "hook-up." I think calling each other by that name was a reclamation of sorts.

But I've turned around on this issue. Until sexual harassment, abuse, assault and exploitation are understood by and handled respectfully in popular culture, I argue that these kinds of gender-based insults do much more harm than good.

So here is my charge to you: think about the language you use. Don't beat yourself up about it, just think about it. Assess whether changing the way you speak can do any good. (If you're not sure please read my upcoming post -- parts 2 & 3 of this entry). If you currently use offensive or hateful language, please consider making some changes in your vocabulary. And if you want to take it a step further, talk to your friends about why you're doing it. A bunch of small changes can make a big difference.

To close, please check out this new commercial from Scotland. I'd love to see ads with this message in the US!

(the) Power (of love)

"You still don't get it. It's not about right. It's not about wrong. It's about power."**

And the thing about power is: those who have it do what they can to keep it.

Is it a stretch to say that every social movement in history was rooted in power struggle? I'm not enough of a history-buff to confidently answer that question. But I think it's a reasonable hypothesis. And, if it has all come down to power, I think we need to reassess our goals.

The Anti-Rape Movement taught us that sexual violence is about power and control. It's not about right and wrong. It's about people with power demonstrating how they intend to keep it. So if the Pro-Consent Movement is about gaining power, what will prevent us from replicating the choices of our oppressors as our movement succeeds? After all, memories are short and the movement is long.

Therefore, we need to be purposeful in stating that the goal of the Pro-Consent Movement is not to gain power. Rather, it is about spreading love. It's about learning how to love to the best of your ability, and helping those around you to do the same. It is about treating yourself and others with care and respect. We can only truly change the world if we stop playing by the rules of our oppressors. Rather than fighting to take what they have, let's teach them to value what WE have. It's as simple as being kind to yourself and kind to your neighbor. Easy-peezy-lemon-squeezy...

well, kinda...


To close, I leave your with a little Huey Lewis. Soooooooo gooooood!
Have a pleasure-filled day!

** Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Season 7, Episode 1.

Moving from "Anti-Rape" to "Pro-Consent"

Lot's of people who, according to legal or social definitions, have been raped don't call themselves rape survivors. In my years as an anti-rape activist I've heard more stories of this nature than I can count. And this used to frustrate me. The way I a saw it, every person who refused to call rape "rape," held back those who called it by name (and arguably, when you're within the "anti-rape" movement, that is the case).


But I see things differently now. I think individuals can and should define their own experiences. If you don't feel comfortable calling what happened to you "rape," by all means, don't! I can name about a million reasons not to, after all: it's painful, you're likely to not be believed, friends/family/legal & medical staff may blame you, if you were engaged in any sexual activity prior to the assault (especially if you identify as a woman) you may be disregarded as a "slut," "whore," or as "asking for it" -- just to name a few. Not to mention that plenty of people experience what's legally defined as rape without feeling traumatized by it.


I'm not trying to dissuade folks from coming out as survivors. If you want to come out, kudos to you! That is some brave shit!! But I'd like to call attention to the problematic nature of hinging a movement on individuals' ability to call an experience "rape" in a culture that tells survivors that it was merely "bad sex" and that if is was indeed rape, it was probably the victim's fault (their sexual history, dress and/or level of intoxication will likely be looked to as explanations).


We need a paradigm shift.


Let's start by finding some common ground:
Can we all agree that you should only engage in sexual activity with someone who wants to engage in that activity with you?


Yes?


Okay, good. (Phew).





If you're in agreement then you are in favor of consent. And if you're in favor of consent calling yourself part of the "pro-consent" movement shouldn't be too much of a stretch. Using the language "pro-consent" doesn't necessitate survivors to come forward. All it asks is for you to have consensual sexual experiences. Period. And who doesn't want to do that?! One of my favorite Sexual Violence Prevention researchers Paul Schewe has wisely pointed out, if you engage in consensual sexual practices you'll likely have "more sex," and "better sex." Amen, brother!



Call your experiences whatever you like, but please know that not saying "no" is not the same as saying "yes." When it comes to our bodies and sexuality we have the right to be heard and respected. American culture does not support open communication about sex and sexuality so it's likely you haven't practiced enthusiastic consent in the past. But it's easy to start: if you're not sure if you have consent, just ask! (Thank you Jaclyn Friedman). By engaging in enthusiastic consent that is active, ongoing and mutual you are doing your part to end sexual violence and probably having a great time while you're at it! Everybody wins -- what's not to love!?