Peaches, young women, sex, drugs and drama

According to the lingerie company Miss Ultimo, the following images are marketed toward a "young female audience."



Web gossip today tells us about the most recent celebrity drug/sex scandal. Miss Ultimo apparently fired their cover girl, Peaches Geldof, this morning after rumors surfaced about a heroine-induced one night stand.

I enjoy a little celebrity gossip just like the next person, but what's notable to me about this situation has nothing to do with what was put in Geldof's body. What's notable to me is that a company publicly acknowledging that they market the images above to "a young female audience" is less newsworthy than a dime-a-dozen, celebrity-gets-partied-out story.

I'm not pro-censorship and I'm hardly a prude. But certainly I can't be the only person who thinks THESE IMAGES are NOT APPROPRIATE for a target audience of YOUNG FEMALES?!?!? Why isn't this a bigger deal?! (To quote Zoolander: "I feel like I'm on crazy pills!")

Let me be clear, I am not in favor of promoting drug use or unsafe sexual practices to young women. However, I think it should be noted that it is hypocracy for Miss Ultimo to both sell highly sexualized images of what-girls-should-look-like to young women AND fire their model for having a less-than-prudent sexual encounter. And the fact that Geldof was apparently high on heroine should not further condemn her as unvirtuous. Rather, it should help us call attention to the fact that a person cannot legally give consent while under the influence of drugs or alcohol. This is a teachable moment that we, as a culture, are ignoring.

The way I see it, young women are caught in the ultimate Catch-22. On one hand, they’re expected to work to be attractive and sexual. On the other, if they meet these expectations they’re susceptible to being called a “slut” or a “ho,” rejected by girlfriends or worse, in the event of sexual assault, abuse or harassment they may be held accountable by peers and media who suggest, “you were asking for/deserve it.” (Even though sexual violence is NEVER the victim's fault).

We see this played out in the Miss Ultimo drama. The lingerie company was comfortable projecting highly sexually suggestive and passive images of Peaches Geldof. But when Geldof put those projections to practice, she was fired. We either need to show young women healthy images of sexuality and support their decisions to engage in healthy, age appropriate sexual activity, or we need to be consistent in the message that they're too young to engage. Personally, I vote for the first of these approaches.

We tell athletes to run fast -- they win games when they do. We tell children to study hard, they may get "A"s when they do. We tell men to act tough and they "get the girl" when they do. But what happens to girls who do what they're told?

They get fired from Miss Ultimo.

Something is terribly wrong here.

Sexual Assault Awareness Month is coming...

April is

Sexual Assault Awareness Month

(SAAM)

Please check with your local Rape Crisis Center and find a way to get involved.

(In Illinois you can find it here.)

I look forward to getting back to blogging in May, after SAAM preparation and events have concluded!

In peace,

Eva Su

Good Touch / Bad Touch (Part 2)

Part 2: Good Touch

As a culture, we tend to believe that being a good lover is instinctual -- either you've got "it," or you don't.

I think this is a load of hooey.


Everyone has the ability to be an amazing lover. Everyone. All it takes is confidence and communication.

The challenge is that "confidence" and "communication" are much like the ol' chicken and egg.
- If you have confidence in your ability to pleasure your partner(s) you're more likely to feel comfortable communicating with them.
- At the same time, communicating with your partner(s) will increase your ability to pleasure them and, thus, boost your confidence.

So where do you start?!

The answer: start wherever you're at. If the idea of talking to your partner about sex makes you break into hives and cold sweats, it's probably best to start slowly.

So, first-and-foremost: be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up if this is difficult for you. Being a pleasing lover isn't instinctual, and neither is the ability to talk openly about sex. After all, we only know what we're taught. And most of us have not been taught to have open dialogs about our sexuality. So take it easy on yourself. Just that fact that you're open enough to consider talking to your partner is a pretty awesome step. So kudos to you!

Secondly, always be honest about your pleasure. This means never, ever fake it. I understand wanting to boost your partner's ego (or in certain cases, wanting to get it over with) but you do everyone involved a disservice if you mislead your partner regarding how much you enjoy their touch. If you'd like your sex life to flourish, you must be able to take for granted that you and your partner are honest with one another about pleasure.

If you've been faking it, it's time to come clean. If it's a "casual" partner, perhaps it's time to move on. If it's a long term partner, coming clean will likely cause short term problems in your relationship. But it will open you up for long-term satisfaction. (And isn't the definition of maturity something about "delayed gratification?"...)

Third, start small. You don't have to sit down with your partner(s) and draw a diagram. Inserting a sexy moan or suggestive phrase can put you on the right track. Or perhaps, send a link of this or another sex-positive blog to your partner and use it to trigger conversation.

Enthusiastic consent is the goal here. Enthusiastic consent assures you that your partner is into what you're doing together. It is important for at least two reasons:
1) It will help you have amazing, communicative, hot sex.
2) It eliminates the possibility of sexual assault.


Good touches make you feel good or happy. So if a touch feels good to you speak up! Be kind to your self, honest with your partner(s) and move at a pace that is comfortable for everyone involved. You are an amazing lover, or at the very least, you will be.

Good Touch / Bad Touch (part 1)

Part 1 - Bad Touch

During classroom presentations, I tell first-graders the following[1]:

Good touches make you feel good or happy. Bad touches make you feel bad or uncomfortable. Sometimes a bad touch gives you the "uh-oh feeling." It's important to listen to that "uh-oh feeling." It is there to protect you and keep you safe.

Once they understand these concepts, I continue with the following:

It's always up to the person receiving the touch to decide if it's good or bad. That means, even if your auntie pinches your cheek because she loves you, if it feels bad or uncomfortable to you, it's a bad touch.

The terms good touch, bad touch and uh-oh feeling are -- admittedly -- juvenile. But I'm learning that the concepts behind them are anything but.

I don't know whether good touch / bad touch was taught while I was in elementary school. But I am certain it wasn't taught when my parents were children. And even today it is not standard curriculum. This is worrisome. Because if we're not taught to differentiate between good touches and bad touches when we're young - when are we taught this invaluable lesson? For many Americans, the answer is: never. And for those who do learn it, it's likely the bi-product if a painful trial-and-error process.

Have you ever had someone brush up against you or lightly grope you, but ignore the icky feeling by convincing yourself it was an accident? Have you ever had a partner touch you in a way you didn't like at that moment, but kept your mouth shut so's not to offend? Have you ever stayed longer than you felt comfortable in a sexual situation in which nothing is particularly wrong, but certainly something is not right? I'm guessing many readers -- particularly female and women-identified readers -- can answer "yes" to all these questions. I'd love your feedback to tell me if my hunch is correct.

Ignoring "bad touches" or the "uh-oh" feeling that often results is routine to many folks. When the stranger on the bus or in the bar brushes up against us, it's easier not to cause a scene. When your partner persuades you to move faster than you're comfortable with, it's easiest to say "they love me and wouldn't do anything to harm me." And while it's true, they probably do love you and probably don't want to harm you, they are capable of causing unintended, negative consequences.

Here's the big what: regardless of the toucher's intentions, it's always up to the person receiving the touch to decide if it's good or bad. Even if that person loves you and wants to show it through physical attention, you always have the right to move at your own pace. You always have the right to say "yes," and you always have the right to say "no." Furthermore, saying "no" when you feel uncomfortable is not a reflection of your feelings for your partner. It is a reflection of your ability to respect yourself and your feelings.

This must be said: no one ever has the right to touch you in a way you do not like. If this occurs, regardless of if you said "no," it is not your fault. Sexual harassment, abuse and assault are never the fault of the person receiving the attention or advances. No exceptions. It doesn't matter:

• where you were
• what you were wearing
• what you were doing
• who you were doing it with
• whether you'd done it before
• whether you were engaged in illegal activity
• whether you were drunk or high
• whether you voluntarily put yourself in a "dangerous" situation
• whether you lied about your age or marital status
• or ANYTHING ELSE.

Sexual assault, abuse and harassment are NEVER the victim's fault. Period.

So please do not confuse my message here. The point of this entry is decidedly not to put the onus on a victim to not be abused, assaulted or harassed. Rather, it is to point out the following:

Good touches make you feel good or happy. Bad touches make you feel bad or uncomfortable. Sometimes a bad touch gives you the "uh-oh feeling." It's important to listen to that "uh-oh feeling." It is there to protect you and keep you safe.

It's okay to assert yourself. It's okay to leave the room. It's okay to call security. It's okay to "make a scene." Because, in the end, your body is infinately more important that keeping the peace, not offending or being the source of gossip. The fact that many of us were taught that being inoffensive is more important than our bodies is frankly, completely bonkers. The good news is: it's not too late to learn it now.

We've almost all been told the following message: you don't matter. Whether directly by an abuser, indirectly by disrespectful treatment from a teacher or boss, or by images of our race/gender/people with our abilities/class/religion/citizenship status/sexual orientation or identity being shown as unimportant. We've almost all been trained not to speak up -- to keep the peace, not to cause problems.

But you and I are too important for that. You and I are precious. We matter. Our bodies matter. Our opinions matter. Our senses of humor matter. Our intelligence matters. Our desires for pleasure matter. Our feelings matter. Remember that next time you that "uh-oh" feeling. And respond to it, it's there to protect you and keep you safe.

[1] I have Carrie Wachter and Imagination Theatre's "No Secrets" Program to thank for the "Good Touch/Bad Touch" curriculum in italics.

"Movement" Means ACTION!

Shifting from "No means No" to "Yes means Yes!"
The slogan "no means no" has penetrated the mainstream where it has been embraced by many but become "white noise" to many others. And for those who have embraced it, it problematically implies that absence of "no" is akin to consent. This is not the case.

To be clear: not saying "no" is not the same as saying "yes."
Further, if "no" is not an option, "yes" is meaningless.
Healthy sexual expression can occur only when "yes" and "no" are equally valued. In order to support healthy sexual expression, the Anti-Rape Movement must shift to a sex-positive framework.

A sex-positive framework can take various forms. However, in the context of the Anti-Rape Movement, the following should be applied:[1]

- Consensual sex is the opposite of rape. As rape is a negative force both personally and in society, sex can be a positive force both in personal development and in society at large.
- Communication, consent and pleasure are necessary components of sexual health.
- Sexual health includes engaging in sexual acts that are safe, sane and consensual.
- Consensual sexual expression is a basic human right, regardless of the form that expression takes.
- Sexual assault, pregnancy & STI transmission prevention are necessary components of healthy sexuality education.
- People have the right to accurate and straightforward sexual health information.
- It is inappropriate to judge others’ consensual choices regarding how they have sex, who to have sex with or how they define their sexual orientation and identity.


Rome wasn’t built in a day, and the sex-positive incarnation of the Anti-Rape Movement won’t be either.
But luckily, the foundation has already been laid. Jaclyn Friedman & Jessica Valenti’s 2008 anthology: Yes Means Yes! Visions of Female Sexual Power & A World Without Rape reflects the emergent dialogue about sex-positivity in the Anti-Rape Movement. In its 300+ pages Yes Means Yes! addresses many of the issues that will be addressed in this blog and does so with respect to the racial, economic and social diversity that was too-often absent from the 1970s Feminist Movement in America.

So what's holding us back?

Shifting to a sex-positive framework means addressing difficult questions that the movement has avoided answering in the past. For instance - since a person cannot legally consent to sexual activity while under the influence of alcohol: is all drunk sex actually rape? This author argues that it is not. But these are the types of questions that the movement has to struggle with in order to make this necessary shift to a sex-positive framework.

But struggle is not a bad thing. "Struggle" implies movement. And the Anti-Rape Movement needs just that: To Move. American culture looks vastly different that it did in the 1970s when the movement emerged. It's time to adapt. It's time grow. It's time to move and take action.

I propose we begin taking action with something every reader can do: start thinking about sex. Start thinking about how sex is represented in the music you listen to. Start thinking about how sex is represented in advertisements you see throughout the day. Think about conversations you've had or overheard about sex. What are the messages you've received?

Then think about this: rape is about power and manipulation. Sex is about pleasure at the expense of no one and to the benefit of you and your partner(s). Have you ever confused these things in your life? It's likely that you have. After all, we only know what we're taught. And we're taught to confuse rape with sex (see "Welcome" post). So this isn't about beating yourself up. This is about deciding how you want to proceed.

The first step is to imagine what you want. So lets get moving!



[1] Adapted by SHEER: Sexuality Health Education to End Rape, from Cory Silverberg, AASECT- Certified Sexuality Educator, http://sexuality.about.com/od/glossary/g/sex_positive.htm

Welcome!

Countless people commit rape every year without knowing they're a rapist.

Now that I have your attention, consider this: sexuality education is hard to come by in the United States. It's not taught in many schools. It's certainly not taught in most workplaces. There are stigmas attached to walking into a sex toy store or borrowing a sex education book from the library. And if you try to educate yourself online you must weed through pages of pornography before you're likely to come across a legitimate sexuality education website. The ignorance that results makes it possible for a person to commit rape when what they're seeking is sex.

The anti-rape movement teaches us that rape is about power and manipulation. Rape is not about sex.

True enough, right?

Well...yes and no. Rape IS about power and manipulation. But then, so are the images that we're shown about sex. Try to think of a scene in a movie, a song lyric, a music video or a personal conversation in which one person encourages another to drink alcohol with the hopes of "getting laid." For most people it's easy to come up with multiple examples of this, whether from personal experience or images in the media.

But by Illinois (as well as other states') law, a person CANNOT consent to sexual activity while under the influence of alcohol. In other words: having sex with a drunk person may not be sex at all. It may very well be rape.

This is just one of the countless examples of how we are taught to confuse sex with rape.

So how should we proceed?

The way I see it, we have a few options. We can educate people about rape (we've been doing this for about 40 years now and we've made great strides) OR we can educate people about sex. Option "B" certainly sounds like more fun but frankly, I don't think we should have to choose. So I propose a third option: we do both.

And that is what this blog is all about. By teaching people about sex, about how to communicate about sex about how to have hot, wonderful consensual sex, we are simultaneously teaching people how not to commit rape.

When I first joined the anti-rape movement I was met with this slogan:
"Imagine a world without rape. What are you doing to create that world?"
Starting conversations about how to have amazing sex is what I am doing -- and I'd love for you to join me. Please follow along as this blog develops, offer input or get involved in any way you can.