Saturday, February 13, 2010

Good Touch / Bad Touch (Part 2)

Part 2: Good Touch

As a culture, we tend to believe that being a good lover is instinctual -- either you've got "it," or you don't.

I think this is a load of hooey.

Everyone has the ability to be an amazing lover. Everyone. All it takes is confidence and communication.

The challenge is that "confidence" and "communication" are much like the ol' chicken and egg.
- If you have confidence in your ability to pleasure your partner(s) you're more likely to feel comfortable communicating with them.
- At the same time, communicating with your partner(s) will increase your ability to pleasure them and, thus, boost your confidence.

So where do you start?!

The answer: start wherever you're at. If the idea of talking to your partner about sex makes you break into hives and cold sweats, it's probably best to start slowly.

So, first-and-foremost: be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up if this is difficult for you. Being a pleasing lover isn't instinctual, and neither is the ability to talk openly about sex. After all, we only know what we're taught. And most of us have not been taught to have open dialogs about our sexuality. So take it easy on yourself. Just that fact that you're open enough to consider talking to your partner is a pretty awesome step. So kudos to you!

Secondly, always be honest about your pleasure. This means never, ever fake it. I understand wanting to boost your partner's ego (or in certain cases, wanting to get it over with) but you do everyone involved a disservice if you mislead your partner regarding how much you enjoy their touch. If you'd like your sex life to flourish, you must be able to take for granted that you and your partner are honest with one another about pleasure.

If you've been faking it, it's time to come clean. If it's a "casual" partner, perhaps it's time to move on. If it's a long term partner, coming clean will likely cause short term problems in your relationship. But it will open you up for long-term satisfaction. (And isn't the definition of maturity something about "delayed gratification?"...)

Third, start small. You don't have to sit down with your partner(s) and draw a diagram. Inserting a sexy moan or suggestive phrase can put you on the right track. Or perhaps, send a link of this or another sex-positive blog to your partner and use it to trigger conversation.

Enthusiastic consent is the goal here. Enthusiastic consent assures you that your partner is into what you're doing together. It is important for at least two reasons:
1) It will help you have amazing, communicative, hot sex.
2) It eliminates the possibility of sexual assault.

Good touches make you feel good or happy. So if a touch feels good to you speak up! Be kind to your self, honest with your partner(s) and move at a pace that is comfortable for everyone involved. You are an amazing lover, or at the very least, you will be.

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