Sex, Rape and the F-Word

I am glad I was raped in 2003 as opposed to say…1963. After realizing I was assaulted a few clicks-of-the-mouse connected me to helping services on my college campus and in my hometown. Infrastructure was in place and funding was set up to help people in my very situation. To me, having these resources available was life changing and life saving.

Had I been a young woman merely 40 years earlier, my situation would have been very different. It wasn’t until the 1970s that rape crisis centers, hotlines or advocacy programs even existed. Before the 1970s a rape victim (yes, “victim” – the term “survivor” was yet-to-be coined) had few options. They were lucky if they had a friend or family member to turn to, but without any public discourse about rape and without any helping services in place, they most likely had to suffer in silence. So yeah, I’m happy to be a young survivor now as opposed to then. And I will forever be indebted to the founding mothers of the feminist anti-rape movement who got those services started.

But despite amazing feminist accomplishments the word “feminist” has a polarizing effect when uttered in mixed company. The dreaded “f” word brings up mental images of man-hating bra-burners who are driven by anger and rage. And while anger and rage are warranted when you’ve been raped or otherwise abused I’ve worked with a lot of feminists, and I would like to testify that more often than not their work is driven by love. They love themselves enough to acknowledge they deserve to be treated better than doormats, blow-ups dolls or punching bags. They love each other enough to support their brothers and sisters who've been raped or beaten or used. They love humanity enough to strive endlessly to ensure a safer world for future generations. Yet they, we, tend to get a bad name. I want to clear that up.

Regardless of your gender, if you believe that it’s worthwhile to provide helping services to rape survivors, you’re a feminist. If you believe that sexual violence is bogus and the world would be better without it, you’re a feminist. If you think women are whole people and not objects to be fucked, you are a feminist. If you’re bothering to read this blog, you’re probably a feminist. And I encourage you to claim the “f” word as part of your identity. I am honored to do so and to align myself with people who call injustice by name and dedicate their lives to fighting against it.

But just because I’m a feminist doesn’t mean I agree with all the feminists in the world. And just because I don’t agree doesn’t mean we’re enemies. We can appreciate and value one another while disagreeing. For example, an older feminist recently told me she has a staunch anti-pornography and anti-prostitution stance. I disagree with her stance because I strive to live where idealism meets strategy. In 2010 porn is down-right mainstream. It simply isn’t strategic for young feminists to work to end pornography or the sex trade. It may have been a reasonable stance in the 70s, but I don’t think it’s a relevant approach to getting work done today. But despite our differing ideologies I respect her and the work she’s done. Heck! Without her work, I wouldn't be able to do mine.

That being said, it is clear to me that the anti-rape movement is in the midst of a paradigm shift. And when the movement successfully shifts to sex-positive, I hope we can do it with the understanding and support of the feminists who came before us. Similarly, us young feminists need to understand that our work may not be relevant or even appreciated by future generations. But that is okay. Because in order for feminism to thrive we need to constantly adapt to the changing world, and we must love and support one another through those changes. (Luckily, this plays to our strengths).

I was raped in 2003 by a friend, a man with whom I’d had a previous sexual relationship. I didn’t even know that what happened to me was rape. I was never explicitly taught that I should expect to be respected in the bedroom. No one told me to expect pleasure. So it didn’t immediately occur to me as problematic that neither of these things were happening. Months later I confided in a friend that “he had sex with me” and my friend responded, “did he have ‘sex with you’? Or did he rape you?” Before that, it hadn’t even occurred to me that I had been raped. But it was healing and relieving to call it by name. Yes, he did rape me. That is why I’m crying so much of the time. That is why I lost my appetite, my joy. That is why I lost my ability to find happiness in my first true love: music. Because he raped me.

I hope that future generations can take for granted the difference between rape and sex. I hope that the status quo becomes expecting pleasure, respect and most of all, CONSENT, regardless of your gender. Because as it stands, I truly don’t think you have to be a terrible person to commit rape. All you have to do is follow the status quo.

Thankfully, things are much better than they used to be. But we’ve still got a long way to go...

Gender and Sexual Violence

Before I get into the "meat" of this post, I want start with a quick Biology/Sociology lesson: "Sex" is a biological term that refers to the bits you were born with (penis, vagina or intersexed). "Gender" is a sociological term that refers to identity. Check this out for a useful (and pretty awesome) visual definition.

Okay so...when folks talk about sexual violence its common to use the pronoun "she" for the victim/survivor and "he" for the perpetrator(s). This is not without understandable reason. After all, the majority of survivors are women and the vast majority of perpetrators (98-99%) are men. (It is important to note that while most perpetrators are men, most men are not perpetrators). But despite the statistics, I think our use of gendered pronouns (in general and in terms of sexual violence) warrants some examination.

Previous posts have discussed barriers to "coming out" as a rape survivor. The fear of not being believed or of being blamed are two barriers that can impact survivors of all genders. But for survivors who aren't women, common myths and misconceptions make it even harder to come forward.

For example, some folks believe that a man will be "turned gay" if he is raped by another man, despite the fact that there is zero scientific evidence which supports that theory. And plenty of folks believe that it's not even possible for men to be raped (even though 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused or assaulted before their 18th birthdays and that 1 in 10-33 men will be sexually assaulted within their lifetime).

For transgendered people the barriers to coming out as a survivor can be even greater. (Transgender is a new term to lots of folks. In short, it describes folks whose biological sex is not "in line" with their gender, as it is traditionally understood. If you're unfamiliar or would like more information please check out these sites). In addition to dealing with myths about rape, transfolk have to deal with prejudices against their very identity. Medical staff, legal officials nor the general population are given sufficient training about the specific needs of trangendered people. As a result, trans survivors may be met with misunderstanding, or worse, blatant bigotry when they seek support.

Since it's arguably harder for people who aren't both biological females and sociological women to come out as survivors, I think our movement needs to go out of it's way to give men and trans survivors more of a voice.

We, as a movement, have tended toward using language that indicates 1) only women get raped and 2) only two genders exist. In doing so, we are effectively erasing the experiences of many survivors. So let's cut it out already!

I propose we change the way we talk about rape. First of all, don't assume all survivors are female (or that all perpetrators are male). And when you talk about gender (in terms of sexual assault, or in general), change your language slightly to say things like "all genders" instead of "both genders." Of course, this is just a start. There is much more work to be done before trans and male survivors will have ready access to the support they deserve. But I've learned to appreciate "baby steps." So let's have at it!

Thanks to the very fabulous Cat for your help with this post (you really are VERY fabulous)!

Sluts and Bitches and Whores...Oh My! (Part 1)

Part 1: Sluts

I curse like a proverbial sailor. I'm not particularly proud of this fact (nor am I ashamed of it) but I have no issue with profanity, per se. I DO have an issue with hateful language, however.

"What are words used to describe women and girls who are sexually active?" I ask my high school classes. Their responses usually include:
- Slut
- Skank
- Hoe
- Bust-down
- Chicken-head
And a variety of other insulting names. Insulting is the key word here. According to students' vernacular, being a sexually active women is a very bad thing. (And please note, these words aren't reserved only for women who are sexually active, but for women who dress "provactivly"-- irrespective of their sexual behavior).

This would not trouble me if it were a simple matter of language. But it isn't. If you look at sexual violence on a spectrum, it's pretty easy to see how the language we use is connected to sexual harrassment, abuse, assault and exploitation. Bear with me here:

--> If we (society) call women "sluts" because they dress or act a certain way, it's easy to start thinking of them as "sluts" or being less worthy of respect.
--> If we think of certain women as sluts it becomes easy to treat them with disrespect, make unwanted comments or advances and even believe that such behavior is warrented or wanted.
--> If treating some women with disrespect goes unchallenged we excuse and justify sexual harrassment and abuse -- under certain circumstances.
--> If we excuse harassment and abuse under any circumstances we are participating in victim-blaming and upholding the myths that justify sexual violence, including rape and sexual exploitation.

All people regardless of gender, sexual experience or dress are worthy of respect. A person's sexual proclivities or wardrobe have nothing to do with their humanity. This is crystal clear to me. But does it sound crazy to you? (Sometimes I think I'm too entrenched in the movement to see things from a "normal person's" perspective, and I honest-to-goodness want your feedback).

I used to greet my girlfriends with an affectionate, "what's up slut?!" We liked to drink, party, and "hook-up." I think calling each other by that name was a reclamation of sorts.

But I've turned around on this issue. Until sexual harassment, abuse, assault and exploitation are understood by and handled respectfully in popular culture, I argue that these kinds of gender-based insults do much more harm than good.

So here is my charge to you: think about the language you use. Don't beat yourself up about it, just think about it. Assess whether changing the way you speak can do any good. (If you're not sure please read my upcoming post -- parts 2 & 3 of this entry). If you currently use offensive or hateful language, please consider making some changes in your vocabulary. And if you want to take it a step further, talk to your friends about why you're doing it. A bunch of small changes can make a big difference.

To close, please check out this new commercial from Scotland. I'd love to see ads with this message in the US!

Men are the solution.

Thinking about rape sucks.

I mean, really.
It is no fun.
At all.

That in mind, I have crazy appreciation and respect for non-victims who've chosen to join the anti-rape movement. Shoot! I have crazy appreciation & respect for anyone who chooses to align themselves with the movement.



I am a survivor of sexual assault. I have to think about rape. Whether I like it or not, it is a part of every step I take, every sentence I write and every word I utter. Being a survivor of sexual assault is part of who I am. And frankly, if I didn't HAVE to think about rape I'm pretty damn sure I wouldn't. Because (as we know) it is no fun. At all.

And I like fun. To quote a wise friend from high school, "fun is awesome." And a world without rape sounds pretty fun to me. Idealistic? Sure. But certainly fun.

A world without rape. Think about it...picture it...got it?....okay,.....now......smile, aaaaaaand [repeat].

Granted I am not sure how to create a world without rape. But I am fairly certain that the 1 in 6 - 8 women and 1 in 10-33 men who are survivors cannot do it alone.

Perhaps you've heard these statistics before. If so, you've probably heard them used as an educational tool or even a scare-tactic. But have you ever heard them as an invitation? If not, I invite you to.

So far, the business of fighting sexual assault has been pretty much left-up to survivors and their close family and friends. Please understand that it is draining to have your deepest wounds continually re-opened during your regular-work-week. (The plus-side of this is that you're generally forced to make great strides toward healing in a relatively short time. In my mind, the benefit outweighs the cost). As such, I think the movement could flourish (rather than merely survive) if we were joined, en masse, by people who weren't so darn 'drained' by it.

So please, join us!

Right now, I am not asking much. It's as easy a 1...2...3...

1. Please become a follower of this blog (see the grey follow button at right? yeah...that's the one...)
2. Check for updates now and again.
3. If you feel inspired to do so, leave a comment -- ask a question! Start a debate! Do a little bit of very-un-fun thinking about rape.

That is all I ask of you. And I believe the benefit could be great. I believe that if we're willing to make small, incremental changes we can collectively make a big difference.



Anthropologist & feminist Margaret Meade famously said, "never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

Ms. Meade was right on. But we have a powerful tool that world-changers in the past lacked: the World Wide Web. So with respect for these "small groups" (to whom we owe so much), I say, let's shoot bigger.

Surviving isn't good enough anymore. We all deserve to thrive.

PS -- I should probably call attention to the (true but) misleading title of this entry. I think it's catchier than "everyone is the solution" (We are the World pretty much covered that territory -- jus'sayin).

Peaches, young women, sex, drugs and drama

According to the lingerie company Miss Ultimo, the following images are marketed toward a "young female audience."



Web gossip today tells us about the most recent celebrity drug/sex scandal. Miss Ultimo apparently fired their cover girl, Peaches Geldof, this morning after rumors surfaced about a heroine-induced one night stand.

I enjoy a little celebrity gossip just like the next person, but what's notable to me about this situation has nothing to do with what was put in Geldof's body. What's notable to me is that a company publicly acknowledging that they market the images above to "a young female audience" is less newsworthy than a dime-a-dozen, celebrity-gets-partied-out story.

I'm not pro-censorship and I'm hardly a prude. But certainly I can't be the only person who thinks THESE IMAGES are NOT APPROPRIATE for a target audience of YOUNG FEMALES?!?!? Why isn't this a bigger deal?! (To quote Zoolander: "I feel like I'm on crazy pills!")

Let me be clear, I am not in favor of promoting drug use or unsafe sexual practices to young women. However, I think it should be noted that it is hypocracy for Miss Ultimo to both sell highly sexualized images of what-girls-should-look-like to young women AND fire their model for having a less-than-prudent sexual encounter. And the fact that Geldof was apparently high on heroine should not further condemn her as unvirtuous. Rather, it should help us call attention to the fact that a person cannot legally give consent while under the influence of drugs or alcohol. This is a teachable moment that we, as a culture, are ignoring.

The way I see it, young women are caught in the ultimate Catch-22. On one hand, they’re expected to work to be attractive and sexual. On the other, if they meet these expectations they’re susceptible to being called a “slut” or a “ho,” rejected by girlfriends or worse, in the event of sexual assault, abuse or harassment they may be held accountable by peers and media who suggest, “you were asking for/deserve it.” (Even though sexual violence is NEVER the victim's fault).

We see this played out in the Miss Ultimo drama. The lingerie company was comfortable projecting highly sexually suggestive and passive images of Peaches Geldof. But when Geldof put those projections to practice, she was fired. We either need to show young women healthy images of sexuality and support their decisions to engage in healthy, age appropriate sexual activity, or we need to be consistent in the message that they're too young to engage. Personally, I vote for the first of these approaches.

We tell athletes to run fast -- they win games when they do. We tell children to study hard, they may get "A"s when they do. We tell men to act tough and they "get the girl" when they do. But what happens to girls who do what they're told?

They get fired from Miss Ultimo.

Something is terribly wrong here.

Good Touch / Bad Touch (part 1)

Part 1 - Bad Touch

During classroom presentations, I tell first-graders the following[1]:

Good touches make you feel good or happy. Bad touches make you feel bad or uncomfortable. Sometimes a bad touch gives you the "uh-oh feeling." It's important to listen to that "uh-oh feeling." It is there to protect you and keep you safe.

Once they understand these concepts, I continue with the following:

It's always up to the person receiving the touch to decide if it's good or bad. That means, even if your auntie pinches your cheek because she loves you, if it feels bad or uncomfortable to you, it's a bad touch.

The terms good touch, bad touch and uh-oh feeling are -- admittedly -- juvenile. But I'm learning that the concepts behind them are anything but.

I don't know whether good touch / bad touch was taught while I was in elementary school. But I am certain it wasn't taught when my parents were children. And even today it is not standard curriculum. This is worrisome. Because if we're not taught to differentiate between good touches and bad touches when we're young - when are we taught this invaluable lesson? For many Americans, the answer is: never. And for those who do learn it, it's likely the bi-product if a painful trial-and-error process.

Have you ever had someone brush up against you or lightly grope you, but ignore the icky feeling by convincing yourself it was an accident? Have you ever had a partner touch you in a way you didn't like at that moment, but kept your mouth shut so's not to offend? Have you ever stayed longer than you felt comfortable in a sexual situation in which nothing is particularly wrong, but certainly something is not right? I'm guessing many readers -- particularly female and women-identified readers -- can answer "yes" to all these questions. I'd love your feedback to tell me if my hunch is correct.

Ignoring "bad touches" or the "uh-oh" feeling that often results is routine to many folks. When the stranger on the bus or in the bar brushes up against us, it's easier not to cause a scene. When your partner persuades you to move faster than you're comfortable with, it's easiest to say "they love me and wouldn't do anything to harm me." And while it's true, they probably do love you and probably don't want to harm you, they are capable of causing unintended, negative consequences.

Here's the big what: regardless of the toucher's intentions, it's always up to the person receiving the touch to decide if it's good or bad. Even if that person loves you and wants to show it through physical attention, you always have the right to move at your own pace. You always have the right to say "yes," and you always have the right to say "no." Furthermore, saying "no" when you feel uncomfortable is not a reflection of your feelings for your partner. It is a reflection of your ability to respect yourself and your feelings.

This must be said: no one ever has the right to touch you in a way you do not like. If this occurs, regardless of if you said "no," it is not your fault. Sexual harassment, abuse and assault are never the fault of the person receiving the attention or advances. No exceptions. It doesn't matter:

• where you were
• what you were wearing
• what you were doing
• who you were doing it with
• whether you'd done it before
• whether you were engaged in illegal activity
• whether you were drunk or high
• whether you voluntarily put yourself in a "dangerous" situation
• whether you lied about your age or marital status
• or ANYTHING ELSE.

Sexual assault, abuse and harassment are NEVER the victim's fault. Period.

So please do not confuse my message here. The point of this entry is decidedly not to put the onus on a victim to not be abused, assaulted or harassed. Rather, it is to point out the following:

Good touches make you feel good or happy. Bad touches make you feel bad or uncomfortable. Sometimes a bad touch gives you the "uh-oh feeling." It's important to listen to that "uh-oh feeling." It is there to protect you and keep you safe.

It's okay to assert yourself. It's okay to leave the room. It's okay to call security. It's okay to "make a scene." Because, in the end, your body is infinately more important that keeping the peace, not offending or being the source of gossip. The fact that many of us were taught that being inoffensive is more important than our bodies is frankly, completely bonkers. The good news is: it's not too late to learn it now.

We've almost all been told the following message: you don't matter. Whether directly by an abuser, indirectly by disrespectful treatment from a teacher or boss, or by images of our race/gender/people with our abilities/class/religion/citizenship status/sexual orientation or identity being shown as unimportant. We've almost all been trained not to speak up -- to keep the peace, not to cause problems.

But you and I are too important for that. You and I are precious. We matter. Our bodies matter. Our opinions matter. Our senses of humor matter. Our intelligence matters. Our desires for pleasure matter. Our feelings matter. Remember that next time you that "uh-oh" feeling. And respond to it, it's there to protect you and keep you safe.

[1] I have Carrie Wachter and Imagination Theatre's "No Secrets" Program to thank for the "Good Touch/Bad Touch" curriculum in italics.

Welcome!

Countless people commit rape every year without knowing they're a rapist.

Now that I have your attention, consider this: sexuality education is hard to come by in the United States. It's not taught in many schools. It's certainly not taught in most workplaces. There are stigmas attached to walking into a sex toy store or borrowing a sex education book from the library. And if you try to educate yourself online you must weed through pages of pornography before you're likely to come across a legitimate sexuality education website. The ignorance that results makes it possible for a person to commit rape when what they're seeking is sex.

The anti-rape movement teaches us that rape is about power and manipulation. Rape is not about sex.

True enough, right?

Well...yes and no. Rape IS about power and manipulation. But then, so are the images that we're shown about sex. Try to think of a scene in a movie, a song lyric, a music video or a personal conversation in which one person encourages another to drink alcohol with the hopes of "getting laid." For most people it's easy to come up with multiple examples of this, whether from personal experience or images in the media.

But by Illinois (as well as other states') law, a person CANNOT consent to sexual activity while under the influence of alcohol. In other words: having sex with a drunk person may not be sex at all. It may very well be rape.

This is just one of the countless examples of how we are taught to confuse sex with rape.

So how should we proceed?

The way I see it, we have a few options. We can educate people about rape (we've been doing this for about 40 years now and we've made great strides) OR we can educate people about sex. Option "B" certainly sounds like more fun but frankly, I don't think we should have to choose. So I propose a third option: we do both.

And that is what this blog is all about. By teaching people about sex, about how to communicate about sex about how to have hot, wonderful consensual sex, we are simultaneously teaching people how not to commit rape.

When I first joined the anti-rape movement I was met with this slogan:
"Imagine a world without rape. What are you doing to create that world?"
Starting conversations about how to have amazing sex is what I am doing -- and I'd love for you to join me. Please follow along as this blog develops, offer input or get involved in any way you can.