It’s common for sexual assault survivors to disassociate (leave their bodies) during a sexual encounter. And we know as many as 1 in 4 women are survivors of sexual assault. (FYI -- Staci Haines’ book A Survivor’s Guide to Sex is a phenomenal resource for partners of/survivor’s dealing with this issue). But I imagine that many women who are not sexual assault survivors struggle to remain “present” and fully enjoy sex as well. After all, women's pleasure is all-but-disregarded in our culture. I can make arguments about why this is the case (male orgasm is needed to make babies, female orgasm is not), but I’d very much like for it not to be case. Because, to borrow from a sister’s post: “women are rarely encouraged to experience pleasure or taught how to do so, which relates to rape culture in that women often do not expect pleasure from sex and therefore consent to touch that they do not particularly want, or consent for reasons of convenience or guilt.”
Because women are not taught to expect pleasure it becomes normal for women to have sexual encounters that are not pleasurable. Given these circumstances, the best-case scenario is that these women will have unfulfilling sex lives. The worst-case scenario is that sexual violence will be normalized to them. Neither sound fun to me, but the latter is particularly problematic.
A 2009 study by East Carolina University, Virginia Tech and University of Houston found that when women do not acknowledge sexual violence as a violation they are more likely to be revictimized.[1] Basically, if you don’t call rape “rape” you’re more likely to be raped…again. Despite this, our culture encourages women to believe that in many cases rape is actually just “bad sex.” I've seen this confusion play-out in countless friends and clients who've disclosed to me over the past eight years. (I want to be clear here: I am not critiquing individuals for choosing to name/not name an experience “rape.” I am critiquing the culture that encourages this confusion between rape and consensual sex). Failing to value women’s sexual pleasure enables rape culture and renders sexual violence invisible and even permissible.
So, women: we need to learn to expect pleasure from our sexual encounters. We need to support our sisters to do the same. We need to stop slut shaming one another. When we're not getting the pleasure we expect we need to speak up about it. We need to get comfortable voicing our needs before, during and after a sexual encounter. We need to practice enthusiastic consent that is mutual, active and ongoing.
Partners of women: we need to know that our orgasm does not mean a sexual encounter is complete. We need to speak up, not only about our own desires but inquire about our partners' as well. We need to stop slut shaming, too. We need to be able to hear that what we've been doing hasn't been working, and we need to be ready to make changes going forward. We need to practice enthusiastic consent.
Consent can be a confusing thing, as such there may always be grey area between "sex" and "rape." But I'd like that grey area to shrink. One way to do that is to fight against the sexist and heterosexist notion that sex is/should be about men's pleasure. If we can cool-off our slut shaming and expect enthusiastic consent and pleasure from all actors in a sexual encounter we'll be on the right track. Plus, we'll be having a really good time.
Of course, no matter what we do or what our culture tells us, there will be people who enjoy raping other people. As far as I know, rape has occurred in all cultures throughout history. And I can't know with certainty that changing the way our culture views rape or sexuality will significantly diminish the occurance of rape. But I think it might and I believe it's a worthwhile effort. We may not be able to change people's biology, but we can change what they're taught to view as "normal." And I have great hopes that if we're taught that women's pleasure IS normal and coercive and/or drunk and/or forced sex IS NOT, that much rape would be prevented -- or at the very least, not be tolerated. What's happening now isn't working. 1 in 4 is WAY too many. We need a change.
[1] Psychology of Women Quarterly, 33 (2009), 34-42.
Showing posts with label Great Sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Great Sex. Show all posts
Monday, September 13, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
What IS "making love," anyway?
The Words We Use is an exercise I frequently do with high school students in my work as a Rape Prevention Educator. I ask the students to name 10 or more words used for women and girls who have sex or are sexually active, men and boys who have sex or are sexually active and then words used to describe having sex or being sexually active.
The results are consistent: the words used to describe women are generally negative, the words for men are complimentary and the words for "sex" are usually violent. It seems that "nailing," "drilling," "pounding," "banging" & "fucking" casually roll off the tongues of youth but the words "making love" leave them rosy-cheeked and embarrassed.
The cultural definition of "making love" usually refers to two people who are in love sharing their bodies in a sexual way (a blush-worthy definition for any high school student, to be sure). But I'd like to explore a more literal definition. I am wondering what produces love? Is it parenthood? Friendship? Romance? This is a bigger question than can be adequately addressed in this blog entry. Clearly. But for the sake of exploration, roll with me.
Parenthood, friendship and romance all have connection in common. I can argue that connecting & being fully present with others can produce joy and, depending on your definition, love.
My next question is -- what do we enter the bedroom to do, exactly? Is it simply to get off? If that is all, the other person is a mere accessory. You can "fuck," "nail" or "bang" your partner and you may reach your goal of orgasm in happy conjunction with them but you also run the risk of doing it at the expense of their well-being.
Countless songs, poems & visual works of art have been inspired by sex. Yet certainly many 'sexually active' folks have wondered "what is all the fuss about?" I don't claim to have all the answers, but I am pretty sure all the "fuss" did not stem from merely getting-off at the hands of another person [pardon the pun]. It was inspired by something more.
Instead of concerning ourselves solely with attaining orgasm or pleasuring our partner, I argue a more enjoyable experience will be had if we enter an encounter with the goal of connecting or being with another person. That connection can take many forms. It may be tender or rough, vanilla or kinky, it may be shared between lifelong partners or total strangers or anything in-between. But when partners connect with one another, when they check-in and make sure that their actions and behaviors are in-line with their partner's wants and desires, everyone leaves the experience feeling joyful and loving. In essence, you have produced, created, or in other words, made love.
The person who just had a fulfilling sexual experience is probably not the person cutting in line at the grocery store or flipping you off on the highway. They're more likely the person letting you cut in line because you have fewer items or leaving room for you to merge into their lane. In these seemingly small ways (and at the risk of sounding too "hippy-dippy") they are literally spreading kindness, joy, and yes -- love.
So okay, admittedly my definition of "producing love" is no less blush-worthy to an average high schooler than the standard definition of "making love." But I wonder what could be gained if, as a culture, we understood sex as a means of producing love and joy rather than a sinful and often destructive act that ruins young women and promotes young men to a false god-like status.
People have sex. Teens have sex. We can't change that. But we can change our cultural definition of what having sex is and should be. It should produce joy. It should produce love. If it does not, it's possible what we're doing isn't sex at all.
The results are consistent: the words used to describe women are generally negative, the words for men are complimentary and the words for "sex" are usually violent. It seems that "nailing," "drilling," "pounding," "banging" & "fucking" casually roll off the tongues of youth but the words "making love" leave them rosy-cheeked and embarrassed.
The cultural definition of "making love" usually refers to two people who are in love sharing their bodies in a sexual way (a blush-worthy definition for any high school student, to be sure). But I'd like to explore a more literal definition. I am wondering what produces love? Is it parenthood? Friendship? Romance? This is a bigger question than can be adequately addressed in this blog entry. Clearly. But for the sake of exploration, roll with me.
Parenthood, friendship and romance all have connection in common. I can argue that connecting & being fully present with others can produce joy and, depending on your definition, love.
My next question is -- what do we enter the bedroom to do, exactly? Is it simply to get off? If that is all, the other person is a mere accessory. You can "fuck," "nail" or "bang" your partner and you may reach your goal of orgasm in happy conjunction with them but you also run the risk of doing it at the expense of their well-being.
Countless songs, poems & visual works of art have been inspired by sex. Yet certainly many 'sexually active' folks have wondered "what is all the fuss about?" I don't claim to have all the answers, but I am pretty sure all the "fuss" did not stem from merely getting-off at the hands of another person [pardon the pun]. It was inspired by something more.
Instead of concerning ourselves solely with attaining orgasm or pleasuring our partner, I argue a more enjoyable experience will be had if we enter an encounter with the goal of connecting or being with another person. That connection can take many forms. It may be tender or rough, vanilla or kinky, it may be shared between lifelong partners or total strangers or anything in-between. But when partners connect with one another, when they check-in and make sure that their actions and behaviors are in-line with their partner's wants and desires, everyone leaves the experience feeling joyful and loving. In essence, you have produced, created, or in other words, made love.
The person who just had a fulfilling sexual experience is probably not the person cutting in line at the grocery store or flipping you off on the highway. They're more likely the person letting you cut in line because you have fewer items or leaving room for you to merge into their lane. In these seemingly small ways (and at the risk of sounding too "hippy-dippy") they are literally spreading kindness, joy, and yes -- love.
So okay, admittedly my definition of "producing love" is no less blush-worthy to an average high schooler than the standard definition of "making love." But I wonder what could be gained if, as a culture, we understood sex as a means of producing love and joy rather than a sinful and often destructive act that ruins young women and promotes young men to a false god-like status.
People have sex. Teens have sex. We can't change that. But we can change our cultural definition of what having sex is and should be. It should produce joy. It should produce love. If it does not, it's possible what we're doing isn't sex at all.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Good Touch / Bad Touch (Part 2)
Part 2: Good Touch
As a culture, we tend to believe that being a good lover is instinctual -- either you've got "it," or you don't.
I think this is a load of hooey.
Everyone has the ability to be an amazing lover. Everyone. All it takes is confidence and communication.
The challenge is that "confidence" and "communication" are much like the ol' chicken and egg.
- If you have confidence in your ability to pleasure your partner(s) you're more likely to feel comfortable communicating with them.
- At the same time, communicating with your partner(s) will increase your ability to pleasure them and, thus, boost your confidence.
So where do you start?!
The answer: start wherever you're at. If the idea of talking to your partner about sex makes you break into hives and cold sweats, it's probably best to start slowly.
So, first-and-foremost: be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up if this is difficult for you. Being a pleasing lover isn't instinctual, and neither is the ability to talk openly about sex. After all, we only know what we're taught. And most of us have not been taught to have open dialogs about our sexuality. So take it easy on yourself. Just that fact that you're open enough to consider talking to your partner is a pretty awesome step. So kudos to you!
Secondly, always be honest about your pleasure. This means never, ever fake it. I understand wanting to boost your partner's ego (or in certain cases, wanting to get it over with) but you do everyone involved a disservice if you mislead your partner regarding how much you enjoy their touch. If you'd like your sex life to flourish, you must be able to take for granted that you and your partner are honest with one another about pleasure.
If you've been faking it, it's time to come clean. If it's a "casual" partner, perhaps it's time to move on. If it's a long term partner, coming clean will likely cause short term problems in your relationship. But it will open you up for long-term satisfaction. (And isn't the definition of maturity something about "delayed gratification?"...)
Third, start small. You don't have to sit down with your partner(s) and draw a diagram. Inserting a sexy moan or suggestive phrase can put you on the right track. Or perhaps, send a link of this or another sex-positive blog to your partner and use it to trigger conversation.
Enthusiastic consent is the goal here. Enthusiastic consent assures you that your partner is into what you're doing together. It is important for at least two reasons:
1) It will help you have amazing, communicative, hot sex.
2) It eliminates the possibility of sexual assault.
Good touches make you feel good or happy. So if a touch feels good to you speak up! Be kind to your self, honest with your partner(s) and move at a pace that is comfortable for everyone involved. You are an amazing lover, or at the very least, you will be.
As a culture, we tend to believe that being a good lover is instinctual -- either you've got "it," or you don't.
I think this is a load of hooey.
Everyone has the ability to be an amazing lover. Everyone. All it takes is confidence and communication.
The challenge is that "confidence" and "communication" are much like the ol' chicken and egg.
- If you have confidence in your ability to pleasure your partner(s) you're more likely to feel comfortable communicating with them.
- At the same time, communicating with your partner(s) will increase your ability to pleasure them and, thus, boost your confidence.
So where do you start?!
The answer: start wherever you're at. If the idea of talking to your partner about sex makes you break into hives and cold sweats, it's probably best to start slowly.
So, first-and-foremost: be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up if this is difficult for you. Being a pleasing lover isn't instinctual, and neither is the ability to talk openly about sex. After all, we only know what we're taught. And most of us have not been taught to have open dialogs about our sexuality. So take it easy on yourself. Just that fact that you're open enough to consider talking to your partner is a pretty awesome step. So kudos to you!
Secondly, always be honest about your pleasure. This means never, ever fake it. I understand wanting to boost your partner's ego (or in certain cases, wanting to get it over with) but you do everyone involved a disservice if you mislead your partner regarding how much you enjoy their touch. If you'd like your sex life to flourish, you must be able to take for granted that you and your partner are honest with one another about pleasure.
If you've been faking it, it's time to come clean. If it's a "casual" partner, perhaps it's time to move on. If it's a long term partner, coming clean will likely cause short term problems in your relationship. But it will open you up for long-term satisfaction. (And isn't the definition of maturity something about "delayed gratification?"...)
Third, start small. You don't have to sit down with your partner(s) and draw a diagram. Inserting a sexy moan or suggestive phrase can put you on the right track. Or perhaps, send a link of this or another sex-positive blog to your partner and use it to trigger conversation.
Enthusiastic consent is the goal here. Enthusiastic consent assures you that your partner is into what you're doing together. It is important for at least two reasons:
1) It will help you have amazing, communicative, hot sex.
2) It eliminates the possibility of sexual assault.
Good touches make you feel good or happy. So if a touch feels good to you speak up! Be kind to your self, honest with your partner(s) and move at a pace that is comfortable for everyone involved. You are an amazing lover, or at the very least, you will be.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Welcome!
Countless people commit rape every year without knowing they're a rapist.
Now that I have your attention, consider this: sexuality education is hard to come by in the United States. It's not taught in many schools. It's certainly not taught in most workplaces. There are stigmas attached to walking into a sex toy store or borrowing a sex education book from the library. And if you try to educate yourself online you must weed through pages of pornography before you're likely to come across a legitimate sexuality education website. The ignorance that results makes it possible for a person to commit rape when what they're seeking is sex.
The anti-rape movement teaches us that rape is about power and manipulation. Rape is not about sex.
True enough, right?
Well...yes and no. Rape IS about power and manipulation. But then, so are the images that we're shown about sex. Try to think of a scene in a movie, a song lyric, a music video or a personal conversation in which one person encourages another to drink alcohol with the hopes of "getting laid." For most people it's easy to come up with multiple examples of this, whether from personal experience or images in the media.
But by Illinois (as well as other states') law, a person CANNOT consent to sexual activity while under the influence of alcohol. In other words: having sex with a drunk person may not be sex at all. It may very well be rape.
This is just one of the countless examples of how we are taught to confuse sex with rape.
So how should we proceed?
The way I see it, we have a few options. We can educate people about rape (we've been doing this for about 40 years now and we've made great strides) OR we can educate people about sex. Option "B" certainly sounds like more fun but frankly, I don't think we should have to choose. So I propose a third option: we do both.
And that is what this blog is all about. By teaching people about sex, about how to communicate about sex about how to have hot, wonderful consensual sex, we are simultaneously teaching people how not to commit rape.
When I first joined the anti-rape movement I was met with this slogan:
"Imagine a world without rape. What are you doing to create that world?"
Starting conversations about how to have amazing sex is what I am doing -- and I'd love for you to join me. Please follow along as this blog develops, offer input or get involved in any way you can.
Now that I have your attention, consider this: sexuality education is hard to come by in the United States. It's not taught in many schools. It's certainly not taught in most workplaces. There are stigmas attached to walking into a sex toy store or borrowing a sex education book from the library. And if you try to educate yourself online you must weed through pages of pornography before you're likely to come across a legitimate sexuality education website. The ignorance that results makes it possible for a person to commit rape when what they're seeking is sex.
The anti-rape movement teaches us that rape is about power and manipulation. Rape is not about sex.
True enough, right?
Well...yes and no. Rape IS about power and manipulation. But then, so are the images that we're shown about sex. Try to think of a scene in a movie, a song lyric, a music video or a personal conversation in which one person encourages another to drink alcohol with the hopes of "getting laid." For most people it's easy to come up with multiple examples of this, whether from personal experience or images in the media.
But by Illinois (as well as other states') law, a person CANNOT consent to sexual activity while under the influence of alcohol. In other words: having sex with a drunk person may not be sex at all. It may very well be rape.
This is just one of the countless examples of how we are taught to confuse sex with rape.
So how should we proceed?
The way I see it, we have a few options. We can educate people about rape (we've been doing this for about 40 years now and we've made great strides) OR we can educate people about sex. Option "B" certainly sounds like more fun but frankly, I don't think we should have to choose. So I propose a third option: we do both.
And that is what this blog is all about. By teaching people about sex, about how to communicate about sex about how to have hot, wonderful consensual sex, we are simultaneously teaching people how not to commit rape.
When I first joined the anti-rape movement I was met with this slogan:
"Imagine a world without rape. What are you doing to create that world?"
Starting conversations about how to have amazing sex is what I am doing -- and I'd love for you to join me. Please follow along as this blog develops, offer input or get involved in any way you can.
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